“Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,I aint stupid” said the witness.

“My side will win.”

“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.“

Luckily there was a small cottage nearby.

The pilot walked over to it and knocked on the door.

“Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asked the woman who answered the door.

She scratched her head and thought for a few seconds.

“No,” she finally said, pointing down the road, “but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

The cop walks up to the car and says to him,

“Sir, did you know that you were going 60 miles an hour?”

Paddy says, “Officer, there is no way I could have been going 60 miles an hour!”

The cop says, “Really! Why is that?

Paddy replies,” I could not have been going 60 miles an hour
because I’ve only been out driving for 25 feckin minutes.”

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

BRITISH : Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid collision.

US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

BRITISH : Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to
the South to avoid a collision.

US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH : Negative. I say again. You are in British waters you will
have to divert your course.

US NAVY : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH : We are a lighthouse. Now FucK off

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see.  Well, ye got me fair and square. To be sure to be sure. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and my sincere apologies.’ And the
golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want … A great golf
game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back.  On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says.  ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers.  I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thankye.  I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock? ‘That’s all!!? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Really I wont, I Really Really Wont

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Never

Absolutely Freakin Never