Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
‘Sister, I think it’s your feet’.
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. ‘Now,Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’
Little Johnny said, ‘Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,
‘Oh! God, I’m coming!
‘… and if Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her’.

The Nun fainted
HAVE A NICE DAY

Doctor: “What happened?”

Woman: “Doctor, I don’t know what to do.  Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp.”

Doctor: “I have a real good medicine for that.  When your husband comes home drunk,
just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and
swish but don’t swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep.”

Two weeks  later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: “Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!  Every time my husband came home drunk, I
swished with sweet tea.  I  swished and swished, and he didn’t touch me!”

Doctor: “You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?”

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

‘The second rose is from my nurse She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked.

‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.

The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

‘Arrgh! What happened?’ the Leprechaun asked.

‘I’m afraid I hit you with my golf ball,’ the golfer says.

‘Oh, I see.  Well, ye got me fair and square. To be sure to be sure. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?’

‘Thank God, you’re all right!’ the golfer answers in relief. ‘I don’t want anything, I’m just glad you’re OK, and my sincere apologies.’ And the
golfer walks off.

‘What a nice guy,’ the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I’ll give him the three things I would want … A great golf
game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.’

A year goes by and the golfer is back.  On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

‘Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,’ the little guy says.  ‘I just want to ask ye, how’s yer golf game?’

‘My game is fantastic!’ the golfer answers.  I’m an internationally famous golfer now.’ He adds, ‘By the way, it’s good to see you’re all right.’

‘Oh, I’m fine now, thankye.  I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how’s yer money situation?’

‘Why, it’s just wonderful!’ the golfer states. ‘When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn’t even know were there!’

‘I did that fer ye also.’ And tell me, how’s yer sex life?’

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, ‘It’s OK.’

C’mon, c’mon now,’ urged the Leprechaun, ‘I’m wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?’

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, ‘Once, sometimes twice a week.’

‘What??’ responds the Leprechaun in shock? ‘That’s all!!? Only once or twice a week?’

‘Well,’ says the golfer, ‘I figure that’s not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.’

“And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb…!!